someone threw a dead crab at me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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