I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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