I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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