So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
