my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
