Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
