My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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