4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
