Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's never too late to be topless.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
