I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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