literally had 100 drinks last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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