i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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