I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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