so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
time to smoke my breakfast
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
