So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
