i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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