She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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