After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
