Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
