your parents love me but you hate me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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