Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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