I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
