My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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