Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
