I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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