no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize