First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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