didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
