I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize