True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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