we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
