i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
