your parents love me but you hate me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
