I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
