so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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