Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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