Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
