this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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