I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
