thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
