in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
