Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
