So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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