How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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