The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
