the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
