Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
