i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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