Don't make out with my wife yet
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
