Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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