This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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