We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
