I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
