The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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