somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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