i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
