mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize