Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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