I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
