Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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