I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
